Yeah, I know. WTF?
En verdad, I overheard this opening line at Trader Joe’s. One of his gregarious stockers attempting to throw light on his virtuous palate, fishing for lunch with some Lululemon Nation matriarch tossed out:
‘Mine is definitely green onions.’
I know, right? He might as well have said scrotum.
My spirit vegetable: steak.
Lucky for the Brides of Lululemon I shelved pick-up lines por de boda.
Y mi esposa lovingly sears my spirit vegetable con migo, hmmm, nearly weekly. Which is not to suggest I corralled her corazon with red meat. Quite the reverse. Fact: I baited her with a “Meat’s No Treat To Those You Eat” sticker. Mira, when we met century last my better 2/3rds suffered from vegetarianism – and so did yo.
Let he who has never curbed an appetite to extended the company of the fairer gender throw the first t-bone.
Spending death till we part pretending side dishes (or what a biker friend of mine like to say of vegetarians, ‘They’re what food eats!’) a complete meal made, well not on my watch. No sir. Rather than take a carne-free question-popping knee I split the scene for Dancing With Chainsaws in the Rocky Mountains while said mate took a ‘sabbatical’ del Corazon in the Bahamas.
Plan A: I’m gonna lumberjack that debutante right out of my life.
Result: Several hundred feet of lodge pole pine bark hand peeled and tamales hubeirto comido later I reanimate for her in text message form with a staus update sure to inspire envy over my Loggerman Lifestyle.
Me: ‘I’m on food stamps.’
She: ‘And I’ve been eating a lot of steak.’
Me: ‘And that’s like telling me: ‘I’ve taken up anal sex.’
If she went on to text “And I married a matador” I’d have let the whole business go the way of my Bone Fone.
Instead, she dropped and broke he phone in order to catch her ass before she laughed it off.
By now it should be obvious that if you need to win at cards, or really any game, take on me. I know not the first thing about gambling or gaming or weighing odds or restraint because while with this “anal sex” zinger I thee laid down the Royal Flush of Aces High Hilarity for the marriage hand win I won’t ever see so perfect a play again. Nothing I say, do, text, email, blog, sing, dance, or mime will ever reach the comedic heights – and magnetic me-appeal – of “anal sex.”
And so it is we settle for steak. Never funny. Often bloody. Forever tasty. Mi esposa’s still off all other hooved meats and doesn’t care for/with what I do with the leftovers. Muy malo for her. Mucho bueno for me. Cuz if there’s such a thing as a Spirit Chili, this be the one:
Spirit Vegetable Chile Con Carne Asada
In a medio saucepan fry leftover
bacon (3-5 strips)
chopped onions (½ to 1)
garlic (3-5 cloves) till aromatic/soft
+ chopped up leftover grilled steak (NY Strip seasoned w/only s & p) + pinto beans in gravy (½ to 1 cup) (dried/cooked s&p only) + 1-2 roasted jalapenos (peeled and seeded) + Tsp o mysterious red chile powder purchased from the ethnic aisle at a now defunct Dominics some two years back + NM red chile powder (tbsp) + Mexican oregano also from Dominics and bought around the same time as the red chile powder – top off with beef broth + boil up then simmer, covered on low heat. Serve with sour cream, pre-shredded cheddar y cerveza.
And now, why not? In the spirit of spirit vegetables and anal sex, Spirit’s Ode To Both: